You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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