apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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