He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
