my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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