You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
