Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
