I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
