Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I understand Curling. That high.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
