dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
