mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
