i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
