My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
