I want to have your abortion
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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