I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
