just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
