What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
