i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
