I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This is the high leading the old right now
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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