I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
