i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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