I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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