Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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