How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
