At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize