what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
