A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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