if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
