I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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