My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
