we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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