Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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