doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
