Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize