Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Alive.
So much puke
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
