Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
