he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
