so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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