Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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