i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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