I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
