I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
