hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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