I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
