Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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