Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
