Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
