I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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