Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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