Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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