Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
