i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
