Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
