you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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