I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize