standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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