Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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