It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
false alarm. still invincible.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
