that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
