It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We need to rekindle our bromance
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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