He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
