I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
