I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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